WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
