I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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