Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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