youre lurking in front of me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
