Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
