I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's always time for handjobs
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
