i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
