Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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