and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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