My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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