Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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