Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
