I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
