I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
