Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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