He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize