she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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