fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
