I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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