i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
