Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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