At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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