Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
porn star boner night. come get it.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
