Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize