you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
