Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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