Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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