An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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