I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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