Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize