Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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