Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize