Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
