I heard we made out
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
