Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
