My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
