Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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