Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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