I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
