Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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