If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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