I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
