Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
