Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
