so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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