Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
