just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
