Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
