I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
bring money and cleavage
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
