I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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