I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
