it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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