Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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