After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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