Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
