I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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