I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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