I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
