I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you guys were way drunker than both of me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
