i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
