Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
