Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
