I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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