You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize