My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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