sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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